Recovery Entry #4- Alignment

You know, I realise that I should be grateful for what I have in my life right now. I know that things could be worse. I know that others may want what I have. I know that others may not want what I have. We are all so different.

BUT my point being, how is it that we can consciously know something about ourselves or what we “should” be doing, yet we still feel like crap?

I have been struggling these past few days. My mind seems to be deep-diving into the dark thinking that has me bound.

I am learning to cope with these changes and realise that it is just a phase and it will change. I am learning to be more mindful and recognise how certain things make me feel. It’s almost as if I have to do an inventory on the things and thoughts in my life.

How am I coping with these thoughts?

To be honest, I am not doing too well with it. But it's better then I used to be. I am meditating, doing yoga, turning my mirror to face the wall and wearing comfy big clothes. I am trying to stay off social media. I am staying off Netflix. I am working on becoming more present and dealing with these thoughts so they can piss off for good, instead of distracting myself from them as this only makes them come back with more intensity.

I have been reading a book on spiritual enlightenment and about the changes we go through with it. And I don’t believe it is necessarily always a conscious choice to become more enlightened. I think it is something that we will all come to at some stage in our lives.

We may get depression, anxiety, addiction or a physical condition. These seem to all be hints that something isn’t right. And it is frustrating because we just want a simple answer and a simple fix. But unfortunately that's not how it works.

For me, I just feel like I have to listen to my instincts more. When I dismiss the quiet whispers of guidance, it only ever leads to irritability or depression. This is the voice that I want to pay more attention to. The one that tells me to be more kind to myself. The one that tells me to be patient. The one that tells me to hide my mirror so I stop beating myself up. The one that tells me to stay off my phone so I stop comparing or overthinking everything I do and say. The one that tells me to pick up a book instead of a movie and food. The one that tells me to do yoga instead of forcing my body to do something when it is already dealing emotionally.

There is a balance in life, and I think this voice knows it. It is some kind of unknown source that vibrates throughout all of us. We all seem to be connected in some way, whether we are more aware of it or not.

It confuses me how the physical beings that we are can suffer in the ways that we do. What makes us so harsh with ourselves. Shouldn’t we want to feel our best so we can survive? Shouldn’t we want to live?

I’m not sure of the answer, and I feel like a fool speaking without knowing more about it. But the truth is, there will always be more to know about everything so at what point do we speak?

The thoughts going through my head right now:

“You are so fat and so fucking ugly”

“You are a piece of shit”

“You are annoying and nobody actually likes you, they only say things to be nice”

“You are lazy”

“You are never going to be anything great. You should just go die already”

“Stop lying to yourself and others”

And yes, this makes me sad, and I am trying not to believe it, but it's hard.

It’s hard when it seems to be all that sounds true. I don’t want to be in this body. I don’t want the pain and constant criticism. I don’t want to feel trapped anymore.

Part of me wants to delete all social media, drop out of university and go live somewhere nice and quiet on the beach with green hills on one side and beach on the other. I want to breathe in the salty air. I want to listen to the sounds of the waves crashing. I want to see the beautiful blue ocean with a rolling whitewash. I want to feel the sand in my toes and the air in my lungs.

It really makes me question why I am doing the things I am doing now. Why am I at university? Why am I living somewhere I don’t feel I belong? Why am I doing something that doesn’t seem to align with who I truly am?

I write to get more answers but only end up with more questions.

But at the least, it gives me the peace that it is out and no longer circling round in my head.

One step at a time I guess. xx

#mentalhealth #thoughts