Recovery Entry #3- People pleaser

Bare with me while I ramble to find clarity once again...

Who are any of us? What makes us do the things we do? What makes us feel fear? What if fear didn’t have a name? Would we still feel it?

I feel out of place. I feel like I am alone. I feel like I have so much to say… like ALL. THE. TIME.

I feel like everything I do, I have to document. For future reference? For other people? For myself? I have no idea! I just wish I could do things in my life or think things in my life without feeling the need to talk or write about it. Sometimes we don’t need to explain things. Sometimes we can just experience what is right now. But I feel like when I don’t talk or journal about things, that it builds up in my head and it makes me feel so anxious, irritable, angry or sad. It's like it builds up until I express it. Either that, or it shows up in my body as excess weight, gut troubles, skin troubles or pain.

Movement is medicine. Movement of body and movement of mind.

I don’t know what I believe in and it is frustrating to me. I feel like I have to know everything and have everything together. I feel like I have to be perfect. I feel like I have to have everyone love me. I feel like I need validation from the world that what I am doing is okay. When really, I should be able to get that from myself.

It's like words just fall out of me and onto my keyboard. The past few hours I have been feeling a whole mix of emotions. I would be crying, low vibes, irritable, or confused.

I know now that I don’t need to turn to food. Previously I would have numbed out unconsciously by putting on a movie or show and eat food. But now this is only happening occasionally (rather than an everyday thing). Now I realise that I don’t want food. Food doesn’t do it for me anymore. It is just there for satisfying my bodies physical needs and providing me with energy and nourishment.

That's not to say this is all the time. Sometimes I forget this and eat when not hungry. But I try not to beat myself up about it and just move on with life. Uni is stressful enough, I don’t need the stress and guilt of food and body to add to it. It's amazing what happens when we reduce our stress.

I have felt more Yin energy the past few days… I don’t know if that is just because I am mentally exhausted from constantly learning and having to remember so much information. Or maybe it's just a phase.

I just feel called to reflect, journal, talk, share, meditate, do yoga and sit in the dark with chill music, read books and sit with how I’m feeling.

If I’m being honest, saying this makes it sound like I have my shit together, but I don’t. Right now I feel like eating some dates and dark chocolate… but I already feel bloated and uncomfortable. But I also just feel like I want to scream. I am angry and I don’t know why! But I am also sad.

I think it's just that I feel trapped.

I feel trapped by suppressing how I truly feel. I feel like I am not giving myself the kindness to express fully how I am feeling. I feel that the only way I can express myself is on Instagram, but then I also feel that I am annoying everyone by always sharing or writing. Do others feel the same? I am annoyed with myself so surely other people are annoyed with me too…

But how can I truly know what is going on in other peoples minds? They are probably not even thinking too much about it at all.

Maybe I am making up situations that don’t exist.

And what for? What purpose does this truly serve? It only makes me doubt myself more. So maybe I need to work on releasing that.

I just feel that I need to please everyone. I feel that I have to be funny, pretty, relatable, real, knowledgeable and kind… when sometimes I just want to say “fuck you”.

I feel that I have all of these different sides of me and I'm not sure if that is because that is just who I am or whether its because I feel that I have to be someone different so that everyone likes me.

What kind of life is that though?

Not one I want to live.

#Recovery #clarity #thoughts