Recovery entry #1- Eating disorders lie

This is going to be raw, unfiltered, imperfect and not at all attractive. It is exactly what an eating disorder is. No fancy bullshit. No sugar coating it. An eating disorder makes you a perfectionist. It makes you want to be in control of everything (even what other people think of you- hence the perfectionism). It's a nasty trap that I got myself into 7 years ago. And have been trying to escape for about 6 years now.

It looked so attractive from the outside (mind you that was 2012, where skinny=pretty). I remember being a young 13 year old, having entered high school I wanted to be pretty and to be liked (typical shit really). I read a book at that time, it was a story about a young girl who had anorexia. It talked about how she lost weight and had to go to hospital etc etc. And I read that, and I was like "uh huh, I can do that". So, blindly unaware of what the next few years were going to be like, I was hooked. I was hooked on the obsession over food, exercise and losing weight. I enjoyed it at the time. Seeing results was exhilarating. It felt so satisfying to calculate everything. But before I knew it I was obsessed. Tables, graphs, diaries, calculations. The devil was born inside. And I haven't been the same since.

I really want people (young people especially) to recognise that eating disorders are not glamorous. Anorexia will not bring you happiness. People (this may be you) may see it as a way to get skinny and you may think people will like you then, or you may feel happy then. BUT THAT IS NOT TRUE! I'm not sure if you would believe this right now, because at the time, no-one could talk me out of it. Nothing scared me more then being fat (and that's still the case). No matter the consequences, I was determined. Stubborn even. But if only I had have known what the repercussions were, then at least maybe I would have been prepared.

I have mixed emotions about the whole experience.

I am torn between seeing the positive lesson and the shit, trapped thinking.

Sitting here behind a screen, honestly, I envy my determination and discipline. I have a filter over the bullshit and only see the skinny shell that was a result. I felt so shit most of the time, so guilty all the time, so miserable... but somehow it was worth it to be skinny. To be honest, I would rather just have a healthy relationship with food and be able to eat normally again and think freely. I think there are definitely pros and cons. And only a disordered mind would see the pros as pros and diregard the cons. So, to make sense of it...

Pros:

- skinny (when you have the discipline)

- discipline to stay skinny, eat little and exercise (anorexia)

Cons:

- isolate from others (lonely, avoid people and relationships)

- turn into an annoying bitch (yep, not proud of it)

- mixed emotions (sad and angry simultaneously)

- overwhelming guilt around food and your body

- always self-conscious about appearance

- obsessed with food

- weight flunctuations

- uncontrollable around food

- digestive troubles

- miss out on things in life because you want to hide

Honestly, if you can look at that realistically... would it still be worth it? I did not expect the cons to be what they are today.

Now, how do we get out of this disorder? That's what I am trying to work out. Having been to see psychologists etc I am still here going through it. And why is that? Because I need to work harder or because I need to relax a bit? I'm not entirely sure. But I am on a mission to figure it out because I want to be free again.

"Full and lasting recovery from an eating disorder is possible"

#EatingDisorder #Recovery