With the click of a finger

All it takes to change my total existence in life.

I was feeling so good today, until I ate too much, and until I looked at my legs. And my body. And my life. And re-evaluated how I feel...

I don't know whether I am seeing the truth or not.

I feel confused.

Do I see what I really look like?

To be honest, I think I do. I see fat. I see chubby. I see disgusting. I see lazy. I see failure. I see shit.

But, how can a good feeling completely distort my view?

What makes everything okay one moment, and completely shit the next?

I think exercise helps- the endorphins circulating.

And music.

Music has a special, unique power to it.

Can raise vibration or comfort.

Uses the beauty of notes and words to express feelings and emotions to connect us to one another. It makes us feel complete. Feel connected. Feel whole.

Current playlist playing on Spotify- "Life Sucks"

Current song playing- "Broken Ones- Jacquie"

"We're only human"

"We've all been broken once"

"So lay your hand on the left behind. We all know how it feels to be alone sometimes"

Words.

The power when sung in combination with music.

So, currently, I feel like crying. Crawling into a ball and never opening. Not opening until I am thin. Not opening until my skin is better. Not opening until I feel ready.

What a way to live though.

It's times like these that I try and remember that I don't have to have everything figured out right now. I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to always succeed at everything I do. I can be content with where I am now and still change. That I can start again. That life is a journey. That not everything is easy. That I am worth living. That I have a good heart. That there is so much to be grateful for.

Honestly, I don't know if anyone ever even reads these posts. But if I am completely honest. I don't mind. It helps so much to put my feelings out into the dark void of the internet.

So, on those bad body image days...

Remember;

- You are worthy

- Everything is always working out

- You are loved

- You have come so far

- I am proud of you

xxx

#eatingdisorder #Body #Recovery #selflove #mentalhealth