You can't outrun your mind

A sudden wave of sadness and loneliness has managed to capture me. It feels like being trapped in a storm, with buckets of rain pouring down. Yet when i think about what i could do to not feel lonely (aka spend more time with people), it makes me super anxious of being around people.

How confusing right?!

Feeling lonely yet too scared to be around people, hence being stuck in a cycle of sadness and loneliness.

I think about what is holding me back from being around other people... and i come to the conclusion that i am afraid of being vulnerable. I am afraid of looking like a fool. Another thing that stops me, which may sound crazy, is food. I don't feel comfortable when someone mentions food let alone eat around them. The only way I don't feel lonely is if I am at home with family.

Since living away from home, I can escape people for long periods of time. I thought this would be good at first... but turns out it is not healthy for anybody to be alone for so long and hiding away in a 6x4m room. But now i am still 6 hours away from home and starting to miss it.

But i do fear home as well. I fear eating out of control. I fear people i know (that have seen me when i was smaller) seeing me now and being like "oh, she has gotten fat". I fear home.

But I think anywhere I go, I will feel this way.

You cannot run away from your mind.

If you feel crappy where you are now, you will most likely move away and feel the same eventually again because you haven't dealt with the shit in the first place.

How do we do this though?

I find that listening to Louise Hay helps. But also.... sleep.

Help. Please.

#loneliness #mentalhealth #eatingdisorder #family #anxiety