What is your eating disorder telling you?

What does it mean to sit with your emotions? Currently, my fingers can’t move fast enough to type. I am feeling a race in a desire to eat food. To stuff my emotions down with food. To distract me from feeling anything.

Back to emotions- What comes up for me most; confusion. Confusion and lack of clarity for who I am and who I want to be. A confusing body image and goal. Confused about what kind of person I truly am. Shit, who am I? Or am I just overthinking it all?

My mother would tell me I am just looking into it too much. But maybe that is my problem. Confused about who to believe when it comes to myself. Do I believe what my parents say? Do I believe what someone on Instagram says? Or do I just listen to myself? But who am I? Who is this “self” that I am suppose to listen to?

(Some hella deep soul searching happening right now)

Who do I want to be in this world? First of all, I want to overcome my own bullshit stories I keep reliving about hating my body, anxiety, and overcoming the need to eat with unhealthy behaviours. Then once becoming a bad ass warrior who kicks eating disorders in the butt, I help others do the same. It is my passion to help others embrace their vulnerability. To live their most authentic life. But why? Because I am spending so much of my time trying to do the same for myself. Trying to step into my power.

On another note, is an eating disorder something to be angry with and to have a hate relationship with? Or is it to be seen as something that manifests due to a deeper root cause?

Is it present in our lives to make us feel something deeper and to heal on a deeper level?

What makes people have an eating disorder?

Is it social media? The dieting industry? Modelling and advertising companies?

Or is it a deep-rooted issue of a loss of identity?

Do we forget who we truly are so become who we think everyone wants us to be? Do we starve ourselves or try to control our weight obsessively that we end up bingeing only just to hate ourselves even more?

Are we doing this to meet some kind of expectation? Who are we trying to please?

Or does it just become an obsession? An obsession with seeking others attention or approval? Or an obsession with listening to ourselves and the only way we do that is if we keep ourselves stuck?

Do you get a compliment when something once changes in your life then continually seek more of it?

Is it a desire to be in control?

Or is this behaviour your friend? What would you do without this eating habit? This eating disorder.

Who would you be without it?

Are you lonely? Are you just confused? Delve deep. What is it?

For me, I think it is something that has become so ingrained in my life that I don’t know what to do without it.

Who am I when I don’t hate my body? Who am I when I don’t eat heaps of food? Who am I when I am not eating? Who am I when I feel good?

I believe I hold onto it because it is my friend. It is there when I feel sad, lonely, tired or stressed. It is my excuse to sleep. It is my excuse to feel crap. It is my excuse to not study or go to work. It is my excuse to avoid people.

But it's time to realise what is missing from your life and embrace the glorious mess that you are.

Love Al xx

#EatingDisorder #rambles #thoughts #selflove