An hour in my crazy, muddled head

*Apologies for the confused rambles and awkward singing (consider yourself lucky you can't hear me singing)

The very new and exciting (yet slightly scary?) adventure to move to Melbourne has got me thinking about life again. Away from the comfort and security of my own home and family i find myself with more time to think. I have moved on campus at university, and so staying with new people that are basically strangers....

Omg i cannot write.

I have hit the backspace button way too many times (why am i judging myself?) i have so many thoughts going through my head wondering if i am writing the right thing in the right way so that it will be interesting to read... but why do i think about that? Why don't i just worry about writing what i want to write... what comes naturally. Rather then thinking about how good some other people write and how creative they are with their words... how do they get like that i wonder? Probably because they just write what flows. They let their fingers do the talking and get their mind out of the way. Its almost a bit like everything in life i guess.... if you just follow your gut and don't get lost in your own head, all is well and joyful and amazing and exciting and terrifying but that is where the magic of life is.... in the unknown.. in the uncertainty... in the scary!

Ok, now i have gotten that off my chest i feel i can write so freely! *sigh... that reminds me, i have been doing a lot more yoga lately and am loving it! (may slowly be turning into a complete yogi/hippie figure you see-- you know... the ones that dress in groovy pants carrying around their yoga mats and with their hair all over the place eating their vegan foods remaining super chill af) anyway back to the point... I am finding yoga is very grounding and fun and kinda addictive. I never thought i would get into yoga much and didn't think i could sit still long enough. I used to hear all these people talk about the benefits of yoga and how they have "healed" etc etc... i don't know where i was going with this...

OK, OK... sorry, my mind is a mess. I have a million thoughts going around in my brain like a tornado spinning a hundred miles an hour (like why did i just think about how fast a mile was compared to a km? #random).... my mind and life is so random. And awkward. But i am learning to love and embrace that part of me. Instead of looking at it thinking i am weird as hell, i look at it and think "damn, you are interesting and keep me on my toes". It returns to self acceptance i guess.

OH GOLLY! Now get on track... i have so much i want to say.

My transition to Melbs. So far, i haven't really missed home or my family at all (is that bad? Sorry mum.) It has been 3 weeks and i love the independence. I have met new people, got a job and signed up to a gym (yes, exercising in public! #fitspo #weirdforme #howdoiusethis?).I am liking this new life. It is terrifying at times but i have gotten more comfortable just being myself. I don't worry over what i look like (I legit only where some form of makeup when i go to work) and right now i look like i am wearing pjs and have been walking around the accomodation and not giving a rats ass what anyone thinks.

It hasn't all been smooth sailing though, i have had moments where i am in tears locked away in my room, curled up in a ball crying, meditating and crying again, getting on my yoga mat and tears dropping down my face. But the thing is, i have kept going. i haven't gone home. I haven't quit uni (lol it hasn't even started yet). I keep growing. As Winston Churchill says, "Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm". Not saying i have failed at anything. But i like to think of it more as getting knocked down but getting up again (lol did anyone else start singing that in their heads? "I get knocked down, but i get up again"- lol i am like headbangin as i type that #facepalm).

Now in to the juicy (scary) stuff that i avoid talking about...

My relationship with food and body. It is a daily (lol 24/7) struggle that i am working on. I am constantly thinking about food and my body. I am learning to love and accept myself as i am right now. I am learning to be grateful for my body and respect it always! BUT... i still overeat. I still restrict. I still call myself fat. I still look at myself in the mirror all the time and look at my belly. I still avoid wearing shorts where possible so people can't see my fat on my legs. Why am i still so nasty to myself? I have to catch myself and be like "Alex, goddamnit! Embrace the beautiful mess you are. Be open, be vulnerable, be you! Smile and make other people shine. You are a superstar who is a gift to the world" I think a lot of people could learn to have a cheer squad in their heads like this. Wouldn't it be wonderful to have it 24/7! Imagine what you could achieve in life without the constant chatter of your ego. ("Wouldn't it be nice" lol now i am singing that song, smiling, rocking my head side to side- Oh my! #facepalmagain).

Again, i am avoiding the main topic here. Food and body. It terrifies me to write about this. The topic of talking about food alone makes me feel fat. Whenever someone brings up the topic of food i cringe. I avoid situations where food is involved (and not just food, alcohol too). It leaves me hidden away by myself, away from people. It holds me back from life. Food is an important part of life... but it is also something that is really not worth that much time worrying over. Eat to live, not live to eat.

Now... Body image. I constantly feel fat. I constantly feel like i am bigger then everyone else around me. Why do i feel that way? It beats me. All i know is that i don't know what thoughts i can trust. I don't know if i can trust myself. It is kinda sad to think that i can't even trust myself let alone other people. Maybe that is why i don't have many friends (lol #notalol). But to be honest... i like being lonely. I like being by myself. I would rather be in my room by myself then with people. But then again... i do like to talk (lol what Alex?).

The take home message...

* embrace your vulnerability

* live authentically

*get comfortable being uncomfortable

* love yourself more

If you have made it thus far (i felt fancy writing "thus" #notawriter), i congratulate you. I don't know how i keep up with my own mind sometimes let alone anyone else that hasn't had the 19 years experience i have had in it. So thank you.

Love, light and joy to you,

Alex

#thoughts #rambles #selflove